again I go un-noticed

Last night we were supposed to hang out.  She strung me along most of the night with let me see, and I don’t know yets. Then around 8 or so she finally flaked out on me. I found something esle to do, but the whole time I was upset cuz she just dropped me. What I loved was the “don’t be mad at me” and “I’ll make it up to you.” How did she make it up to me? She didn’t talk to me all day. Ignoring my texts- I shouldn’t get all upset about it. I should move on with my life and forget about her, but I can’t. 
I tuned my phone off. As a way to say “Ha, take that you can’t get a hold of me even if you wanted to” and after turning it on hours later I see she didn’t leave a message or a text.” I’m pathetic.  And I don’t want to deal with her shit, but I know that I miss her to much too stick to my plan of not talking to her. Cuz I know she doesn’t care if I talk to her or not. I have to ask myself, why do I want tobe with someone who doesn’t have the desire to be withe me? The answer… has yet to come to me.

It’s been 309 days since you said goodbye… and I’m still bleeding.

I feel like a fool, kicking and screaming

I don’t know why I put myself through this. I spend every minute that I’m with her feeling like I’m being played. She doesn’t ever seem like she wants to be with me, like she’s stringing me along. She’s a tease and she knows it tugs on my heart every time she smiles. I think it’s to get back at me. You know, the ulitmate revenge. To make me fall in love with her again and then to break my heart. I need to keep myself pulled back, but it’s so hard. I need to be aloof and just be there for her. Whatever happens, happens I guess. I guess at times with her I kinda think “well i could probably jusitify that it’s ok that we didn’t get married.” And, I couldn’t imagine my life without her a few months ago.. now I’m getting more and more used to that idea as a reality. I want her to love me like she used to, I want to be able to love her like I used to. I don’t know what I want from her anymore.

It’s been 303 days since you said goodbye… and I’m still bleeding.

what a waste

Last night she came over, we watched a movie, I made her some dinner and she feel asleep. She was going to spend the night but she was getting a new matress so she had to be home earlier than she thought so she decided just to stay really late. Well after sleeping for two hours she decided to leave. I don’t know about this whole “restarting from scratch” thing we are doing.
To be honest, part of me thinks she might just be jerking me around. I wait around all week just to see her for a few hours. Now she’s got a new job that puts us at opposite schedules and she says she’s tired of driving out to see me. I offer to come see her, but last time I checked her father would kill me if I ever stepped foot in her house.  She’s calling me now so I have to go.

It’s been 296 days since you said goodbye… and I’m still bleeding.

just confusing

So my life is getting more complicated the more time I spend with her. On one hand I’m totally excited and happy to have her back in my life, in any aspect, but I find myself falling into a trap. I want her, I want to be with her.
She sent me a text last time (Valentine’s Day) we hung out and she said that she wanted me to be more affectionate- cuz I held back as to not offend- but I guess that was the wrong thing to do. Then this time I try to re-kindle whatever romance we used to have, and kissing her was like an awkward goodbye kiss on a date neither one of the parties really want to be on.
It’s driving me crazy. I want to explode and tell her how much I’ve missed her and how badly I want to be with her, but I know that she already knows so I think she’s not really interested in someone who’s so into her. But I fear if I pull back, play hard to get, to bait her into being into me more she’ll just think I’m not interested and go for someone else. It’s like being in highschool all over again, and I usually don’t put this much effort into starting a relationship (or in this case re-starting.) I don’t know where we go from here.

It’s been 291 days since you said goodbye… and I’m still bleeding.

Valentine’s Day

She and I spent Valentine’s Day together. It was a nice night, some movies, spa, I made dinner and we had some wine. And I didn’t even try to kiss her. I was too afraid, not to mention hurt because she was texting, or AIMing on her Ipod touch. I don’t know what I’m doing. She told me she wants to do it again, but I don’t even know why. 
Durring a text conversationg she told me she wanted me to be affectionate, I’m so confuckingfused on what the hell she wants.  I wish I didn’t love her. I really really do. It would make my life easier. But I do lover her. And I want to be with her more than anything. But whatever, you know… life happens.

It’s been 285 days since you said goodbye… and I’m still bleeding.

I want to be more than a phone call at 4am

She called me again, we’ve been talking a lot in the last couple of days. She told me she misses me. That I used to say romantic things and she misses that. The good news, she wants to spend Valentine’s Day with me. We are doing dinner, movies, wine and I guess she’ll spend the night, then we have something we have to do the next day.
What I don’t like is that she’s at her mom’s place right now. House sitting for them while they are out of town. I wanted to come by, just for a quick visit to see her. I haven’t smelled her, touched her, heard her non-digital voice, in the longest time. She told me she has a friend over, I assume it’s a guy but she tells me it’s a girl-friend of hers. I don’t know what/who is over there but it can’t be good for me, right?
Should I even care?

It’s been 271 days since you said goodbye… and I’m still bleeding.

late night chats

She called me again. She wanted to talk to me, wanted to hang out some day soon. Since we both have somewhere specific to be together next moth she wanted to come over the night before and spend the night, have me cook her dinner, and have a great night. But when I mentioned that the night she was talking about was Valentine’s day, she quickly remembered she had something to do that day. She’s also coming to her mom’s house (which isn’t too far from my place) to house sit for a week. I offered to come over and cook for her there but she’s having a friend over for the week so it won’t work out. I assume, this friend is going to ber her “Valentine.” She insists she’s not dating anyone but I have a hard time swallowing that. 

It’s been 267 days since you said goodbye… and I’m still bleeding.

Tell me about it

She called me last night. She was upset and crying. I guess the low down is that all of her friends were “leaving her.” This isn’t the first time, this happend in high school. It’s what brought her closer to me. The conversation lasted some time untill she got a little caty about our breakup… so I told her I was going to bed. When she was telling me about all her friends leaving her and her being all alone I could only respond with “I know how you feel.” 
What really hurt was when she asked if I was dating anyone. I took that as her way of saying she was dating someone but maybe I’m just reading into it. Or maybe I need to just accept the fact that she’ s gotten over me.

It’s been 265 days since you said goodbye… and I’m still bleeding.

Another Dream

For some reason we were together, playing a poker tournament. It was at a small place, red and black. It reminded me a lot of Chapter 8 steakhouse in Agoura, CA. She was not being very nice to me, but I guess that could happen. But turns out she has a huge tattoo on her leg, I don’t remember what it said, but it couldn’t have made me happy.
She also mentioned that she contacted my agent and made sure that I never work in hollywood again. She was being kind of a bitch, but what was worse, is I woke up and I couldn’t remember what parts were real or not.
I haven’t talked to her in a few weeks. I don’t know what’s going to happen.

It’s been 254 days since you said goodbye… and I’m still bleeding.

Customer Reminds Me…

Today a customer came in,  she was young and pretty, but not my type. She tried to return some merchandise and I told her we could only give her store credit. Turns out she’s just the nanny for the guy so I kinda felt bad about it. But more importantly the being the nanny just reminded me of her. She used to be a nanny and she’d come home with stories about the kids.
She would talk about us having kids, how wonderful it would be. So I spent all day thinking about that. She’s stopped texting me lately. She says she’s busy, busy posting photos on her myspace of her and her friends at parties. I don’t even know what she says on her pages, I’m afraid to look. I figure I’m forgotten. I won’t even get a facebook, even though I have a job lined up almost requiring facebook. It’s dumb, I’m letting her ruin my cyber life too.

It’s been 248 days since you said goodbye… and I’m still bleeding.